Why I Signed Up
by x snow-pony x
Summary: Sam was in the army before she came to Holby, but we never found out why. This is my take on why Sam joined the army. Warning: Contains abuse, and, later on, self-harm. ON HOLD
1. The Beginning

**A/N This is an idea I had whilst playing Tam roleplay with Gillian Kearney Fan. It's basically Sam's life before she joined the army (mainly her childhood) and explains why she joined. It's from Sam's POV. Hope you enjoy it! :-D**

**The age thing at the top of some of the chapters shows how old Sam is at the time (as I'll probably do multiple chapters for each age so that will probably be the least confusing way of doing it!).**

Age: 3 years

I was sitting watching the TV when Daddy came into the room with a cup of orange juice for me.

"There you go Princess," he said, handing me the pink plastic cup.

"Thank you Daddy," I said, taking the cup and drinking some.

"You're welcome Princess," said Daddy. "When you've finished bring the cup into the kitchen OK?"

"OK Daddy," I said, and Daddy left the room.

* * *

A minute later I put the cup on the floor next to me, still half full. I carried on watching the TV for a bit, and then I got thirsty again. I reached down to get the cup, but instead of picking it up I accidentally knocked it over.

_Oh no,_ I thought to myself as I watched the orange liquid leak onto the cream carpet._ I need to get Daddy to clean it up._

I left the cup on the floor and went into the kitchen where I found Daddy sitting at the table doing some work.

"Daddy?" I said.

"Yes Princess?" said Daddy, looking at me.

"I spilt my juice on the carpet," I said. "I'm sorry Daddy."

What Daddy did next I could never have predicted. His face grew very angry, and before I knew what was happening he slapped me across the face.

"Why did you spill your juice on the carpet?!" he demanded.

"I didn't mean to, it was an accident," I said whilst tears ran down my cheeks.

"I should have never have given it to you!" he said. He then saw that I was crying. "Why are you crying?"

"It hurts Daddy," I said quietly.

"What, your cheek?" he asked. "Oh, I could do a _lot_ worse than that."

I continued to cry and began to shake as well. Daddy had always been so nice to me, but now I was terrified of him.

"Stop crying now!" he shouted.

I tried, but if anything I began to cry harder.

"Stop crying now or I'll hit you so hard you may not wake up again!" he demanded.

I tried, I really did, but it didn't work. After about ten seconds, Daddy punched me in the ribs and sent me flying across the room. I hit my head on the cooker and slowly drifted into unconsciousness...

**A/N I know this isn't very long, but I thought I'd do an introductory chapter to see if people liked it. Please read and review and tell me if you want me to carry on or not. :-D**


	2. Waking Up

**A/N I'm glad to see some people read this and enjoyed it! Here's the next chapter! :-D**

**Thanks to Gillian Kearney Fan, CasualtyFanForever81 and Sam2014Nicholls for reviewing! They made me happy and made me sure that people liked it! :-D**

**Also, I didn't watch Casualty in 1988 (which is when this bit is) so the only person I'll name is Charlie (although it may still be inaccurate as I'm basing him on his current character as that's the only time I've seen him!).**

When I woke up I was lying in a hospital bed. Mummy was on a chair beside me, holding my hand.

"Mummy?" I said weakly.

"Samantha, you're awake," she said, looking at me. "How are you feeling?"

"It hurts," I said, wincing as I moved slightly.

"OK, I'll get a doctor," said Mummy. She saw a man walking past in dark blue scrubs. "Nurse! Can you come and see my daughter please?"

The nurse came over to me and smiled.

"Hello," he said. "What can I do for you?"

"Samantha said it hurt," Mummy explained to the nurse.

"OK," said the nurse. "Where does it hurt Samantha?"

"Everywhere," I said.

The nurse put his arm towards me and I flinched away slightly.

"OK, it's alright, I'm not going to hurt you," he said gently. "I'm Charlie by the way."

He smiled at me and I gave a small smile back, although I was still weary of him.

"Is it OK if I have a look at you?" he asked.

"OK," I said in a small voice.

"Don't worry Samantha, I'm here," said Mummy, squeezing my hand.

I squeezed it back and gave her a smile before turning back to Charlie.

"OK, can you lift up your T-shirt for me please?" he asked gently. I took my hand out of Mummy's and lifted up my T-shirt, even though it hurt me to do so.

Charlie gasped at the bruises that were forming on my chest before quickly recomposing himself. "How did you get these?"

I didn't know whether to tell Charlie or not. I didn't want to get Daddy in trouble, because then he might hurt me more, but then again I wanted to tell the truth because that's what I'd always been to to do. I looked at Mummy nervously, silently asking her what to do.

Mummy soon realised what I was doing. "She fell out of a tree," she said. "I always tell her not to climb trees, but she never listens!"

Charlie frowned, before looking at the bruises closely. "These don't look like they were cause by a fall," he said. "They look like they were caused deliberately, by someone punching her."

"No, she definitely fell out of a tree," said Mummy.

Charlie thought for a moment before speaking. "Mrs Nicholls, would you go outside for a minute please?" he asked. "I need to talk to Samantha on her own."

"Why?" Mummy asked. "Why can't I stay here?"

"Because I need to ask Samantha some questions without you being here," Charlie explained. "It won't take long."

"OK," said Mummy. She came over to me and kissed me on the forehead. "I'll see you later Samantha."

"Bye Mummy," I said, and she left the cubicle.

Charlie sat down in the edge of my bed. "Samantha, what really happened?"

I looked at him and then to my lap, then back to him, then back to my lap, wondering what to do...

**A/N Sorry for the cliffhanger, but that seemed like a good place to end it. Hope you liked it anyway! Please read and review! :-D**


	3. Truth or Lie?

**A/N Sorry I haven't updated for a while, I've been quite busy! (Go and read LiAaR if you want a full explanation: I'm not writing it again!) Hope you like the chapter anyway! :-D**

**Thanks to CasualtyFanForever81, lilangel1, Gillian Kearney Fan, Minxheart and MrsCuckoo for reviewing! They made me smile! :-D**

I looked at my lap and then back at Charlie again, still wondering what to do.

"What happened, Samantha?" Charlie asked again.

I was about to look back to my lap when I suddenly had an idea. "Me and my friend got into a fight."

"It must have been quite some fight!" said Charlie.

I nodded. "Yeah, she started getting really angry with me for no reason, and then she started punching me," I explained. "In the end she pushed me back into the cooker!"

Charlie knew that something was wrong with the story, but he couldn't work out what, so he left it. There was one question on his mind though.

"Why did your mum think that you'd fallen out of a tree though?" he asked me.

I thought about this for a moment. "My friend said that I'd fallen out of the tree, then got up and walked to the kitchen, but fainted when I'd got there," I said. "I don't think she wanted Mummy finding out."

Charlie nodded, and inside I breathed a sigh of relief: he'd believed my lie.

He then went outside the curtain. "Mrs Nicholls, you can come back now."

"OK," said Mummy, and came back into the cubicle. "Are you OK, Samantha?"

"I'm feeling a bit better Mummy," I said.

Mummy then turned to Charlie. "What did she say happened?"

"She got into a fight with her friend," said Charlie.

Mummy gasped. "Well, she won't be coming round again!"

I breathed a sigh of relief: Mummy was going along with my lie even though we both knew what had really happened.

"How long will I have to stay in hospital for?" I asked.

"I'd say about a week," said Charlie. "Some of the injuries you've got are pretty bad."

"A week?!" I exclaimed, shocked. "What's wrong with me then?"

"You've got a big cut on your head, you've got a lot of broken ribs and lots of bruises on your chest," explained Charlie.

"OK," I said. "Will I stay here?"

"No, you'll be moved up to a children's ward," said Charlie. "And let me tell you a secret: it's way more fun than down here!"

I giggled slightly, and Charlie smiled at me.

"You'll stay down here for a few hours first though, just so we can make sure you're ready for the ward," said Charlie.

"OK," I said. I yawned. "I'm going to go to sleep." I put the duvet over me and then curled up in a ball, ready to go to sleep.

"Good idea," said Charlie, and then he left the cubicle.

I kept hold of Mummy's hand as I lay there, feeling safe as I gently drifted off to sleep...

**A/N I know it's short and I know it's a cliffhanger, but it seemed a good place to stop it and I thought you'd prefer a short chapter now than a long chapter in a few days time. Hope you enjoyed it anyway! Please R&amp;R! :-D**


	4. The Hospital Stay

**A/N So, because of all the reviews I got for the last chapter I thought I'd update again today (plus the fact that jsscnrmn really wanted me to update!). Hope you enjoy it! :-D**

**Thanks to sarah4steve, Minxheart, MrsCuckoo, CasualtyFanForever81 and jsscnrmn (x2!) for reviewing! The reviews made me so happy! :-D**

**Also, sorry if any of the hospital information is wrong, but the last time I was in hospital was nearly seven years ago, so I don't remember everything perfectly (although the biggest potential mistake I think I've made is the number of beds on the ward!).**

When I woke up I was no longer in the ED, although Mummy was still there, holding my hand as I slept.

"Mummy, where are we?" I asked, looking around the room.

"You're in the children's ward," said Mummy. "You know, the one Charlie told you about?"

"Oh yeah," I said. I then began to look around the ward, taking in every detail. There were about sixteen beds, eight down each side, with a wide walkway in the middle. Some of the other children were watching TV on the televisions above their bed, others were playing video games on a portable station, and others were playing with building blocks and things on the floor. I wished that I could go and play with the blocks, but my ribs hurt too much. Just then, a nurse came over to me with a piece of paper with lots of smiley faces on it.

"Can you point to how much pain you're in?" she asked me.

I looked at the faces (of which there were five), ranging from very happy to very sad. I pointed to the second to last face to show that I was in quite a bit of pain.

"OK," said the nurse. "I'll be back in a minute."

A minute later she returned with a syringe. "Can you open your mouth for me?" she asked.

I did as I was told and she put the liquid into my mouth. As soon as it touched my tongue I recognised what it was: Calpol. I smiled: I loved Calpol. Mummy smiled at my smile.

"What are you smiling for?" she asked.

"It's Calpol!" I said excitedly.

Mummy shook her head. "I'm sure that sometimes you wish you were ill so you could have some Calpol!"

I smiled again: that idea had come into my head a few times, but I'd never actually done it. Now I was ill and had to stay in hospital for a week though, I could look forward to lots of Calpol!

* * *

After about half an hour I could no longer feel the pain in my ribs, and decided that I would go and play. I got off the bed (with Mummy's help) and went onto the floor to play with the building blocks. There was already a boy there playing with them and he smiled at me. I smiled back.

"I'm Nathan," he said. "What's your name?"

"Samantha," I replied. I looked at him, and he looked slightly older than me. "How old are you?"

"I'm five," said Nathan. I was right then. "How old are you?"

"Three," I replied.

"Do you want to help me build something?" Nathan asked.

"OK," I said, reaching for some blocks. "What should we build?"

"How about a castle?" asked Nathan. "And then we can get some of those people to come and live in it." He pointed to a table where there were some plastic figures.

"OK," I said, and we began to build.

* * *

A little while later the castle was looking quite good. Me and Nathan had been talking nearly the whole way through, but then he asked a question that I wasn't expecting.

"Why are you here?" he asked.

I froze for a moment. I knew the real reason I was here, but I couldn't tell him that. I also knew the reason that Mummy had told Charlie, but no one had believed that. I decided to give him the answer I'd given Charlie in the ED.

"Me and my friend got into a fight," I said.

"Wow, they must have hurt you pretty badly for you to come to hospital!" said Nathan.

"Yeah, they did," I said. I then decided to change the subject so he wouldn't pick up on my lie. "Why are you here?"

"I fell down the stairs a few days ago," said Nathan.

"Ow," I said. "Did it hurt?"

"I sprained my ankle but apart from that I was OK," said Nathan. "The doctors wanted to keep me in here for a few days though because I passed out at the bottom, which is why I'm still here."

"OK," I said. I then looked at the castle, which was nearly finished. "We'll be able to get some people in a minute!"

"Let's get it finished then!" said Nathan excitedly, and we both began to put the finishing touches to the castle.

* * *

About ten minutes later we finished the castle, and me and Nathan went over to the table to choose some people to live in it.

"Who should we have?" asked Nathan.

"Um, what about this King and Queen?" I asked, picking up two people.

"OK," said Nathan. "And this soldier and a dragon to protect them."

I laughed as Nathan picked up the dragon.

"What?" he asked. "Everyone knows that castles have dragons!"

"Only if they have princesses," I said, picking up a princess and a prince.

"Fine," said Nathan, and we went back to our castle.

* * *

When we had put the people (and the dragon!) into/ next to the castle, I went back to my bed and got Mummy to come and have a look at it.

"Wow, this is good!" she said. "Well done Samantha, and..." She looked at Nathan, waiting for him to give his name.

"Nathan," said Nathan.

"Well done Samantha and Nathan: you've done really well," she said.

"Do you like the dragon?" asked Nathan eagerly.

"Yes, it's a very nice dragon," said Mummy. "Was that your idea?"

"Yes," said Nathan proudly.

"I did the prince and the princess," I said, pointing to where they were stood on a little balcony we'd made.

"They look really good," said Mummy. "Did you do the King and Queen as well?"

"Yes," I said.

"I did the soldier," said Nathan, pointing to the soldier who was standing guard of the castle door.

"He'll make sure that no one gets into the castle to attack anyone won't he?" asked Mummy.

"With the help of the dragon," said Nathan, and Mummy laughed.

"Of course," she said, and we all smiled.

**A/N Hope you enjoyed the chapter! :-D Btw, I wasn't making up the thing about the Calpol (or the 'pain faces'), that actually happened (and my reaction was very similar to Samantha's!)! (If only paracetamol tasted so good!) Please read and review! :-D**


	5. Home Again

**A/N So, I'm bored again (I don't seem to have any good apps on my tablet anymore!), so I'm updating this again! (Well, at least I'm doing something productive!) Hope you like it! :-D**

**Thanks to sarah4steve, Gillian Kearney Fan, CasualtyFanForever81 and Minxheart for reviewing! They make me so happy! :-D**

**Minxheart: I agree! We should campaign for Calpol-flavoured paracetamol! XD**

After about a week in the hospital I was ready to be discharged. A nurse came over and gave Mummy some discharge forms, which she signed, and then I was ready to go home.

"Come on then, Samantha," said Mummy, lifting me gently off the bed. I was dressed in a blue T-shirt and jeans that Mummy had got me from home yesterday. Mummy handed me my lilac hoodie (I never liked pink) and I put it on, zipping it up nearly all the way. I then out on my shoes on top of my white socks, and then we were ready to go.

"Let's go home," said Mummy cheerfully, obviously putting on an act to fool the nurse. She took my hand and we walked out of the hospital.

* * *

When we got to the car Mummy strapped me into my car seat and then sat on the seat next to me.

"Samantha," she began, "when we get home I want you to go up to your room so I can talk to Daddy about what happened, OK?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I don't want him to hurt you again whilst I talk to him," said Mummy, tears coming to her eyes. "What he did was wrong, and I need to tell him that to make sure he doesn't do it again."

"OK," I said. I then saw a tear roll down Mummy's cheek, and I wiped it away gently. "Don't cry, Mummy."

Mummy smiled. "I should be looking after you, not you looking after me!"

"You're sad though, Mummy," I said. "When I'm sad you make me happy, so I should make you happy too."

Mummy smiled again. "Oh Samantha, come here." She put her arms out and I hugged her.

Mummy then pulled out of the hug. "Let's go home."

"OK," I said, though I didn't want to. Mummy then got into the front of the car and began to drive.

* * *

When we got home Mummy took me out of my car seat and then unlocked the front door. I then walked in and went up to my bedroom like Mummy had told me to.

When I got upstairs I got onto my bed and curled up in a ball as shouting began to come from downstairs.

"Is she back?" Daddy asked.

"Yes," Mummy replied.

"Where is she?" Daddy asked.

"In her bedroom," Mummy replied.

"Why?" he asked.

"So that you can't hurt her!" she replied. "She spent a week in that hospital, and it's all your fault!"

"I didn't hurt her that badly!" Daddy shouted.

"Well you obviously did, otherwise she wouldn't have been there for so long!" Mummy shouted back.

I curled up tighter, trying to shut out the shouting. Unfortunately, I was already curled up as tight as I could, and so I began to cry, my breathing becoming more and more rapid. I reached out and grabbed Simba (the Disney soft toy I'd had ever since I was a baby) and hugged him close. I tried to slow down my breathing, but I couldn't.

"Breathe... Samantha..." I said to myself between my rapid breaths. "Just... breathe..."

I tried but I wasn't able to. I couldn't shut out the shouting either, which was doing my head in. I hugged Simba close, stroking his golden fur. I smiled sadly as he licked my tears away, and hugged him even tighter. Some time later the shouting finally stopped and I heard footsteps coming to me room. I froze and listened closely. Then I breathed a sigh of relief as I realised they were Mummy's footsteps (well, as well as I could with my breathing still rapid). Mummy knocked on the door, said "It's me", and then came in. When she saw me on the bed she rushed to my side and hugged me close.

"Samantha, can you take deep breaths for me?" she said softly.

"OK..." I said. I tried to breathe deeply, but it wouldn't work. "I... can't..."

"Yes you can, Samantha," she said. "Try it with me. In, and out. In, and out."

I began to breathe with Mummy, and my breathing began to slow down. When it had got back to normal I hugged Mummy tightly, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"It's alright, Samantha, it's alright," said Mummy as she gently rocked me back and forth.

**A/N Hope you enjoyed the chapter, even though it was quite short. I'll move forward in time in a couple of chapters, so then you'll get to see a slightly maturer Samantha! Please R&amp;R! :-D**


	6. Fear

**A/N Sorry I haven't updated for a while, I've been busy. (Go read LiAaR for a full explanation: I'm not writing it again!) Hope you enjoy this chapter anyway! :-D**

**Thanks to CasualtyFanForever81, cooper1eddie2, Gillian Kearney Fan and Minxheart for reviewing! They were great reviews and they made me happy! :-D**

**CasualtyFanForever81 (and anyone else that wants to): I have a poll on my profile about the Calpol-flavoured paracetamol. If lots of people vote yes I'll use it as part of my evidence for my campaign! XD**

**Also, just realised that 'The Lion King' was released in 1994, and Samantha was born in 1985... Oh well, let's just pretend it came out in 1984 instead (otherwise I'll have to change this and LiAaR which I can't be bothered/ don't want to do!)! XD**

A few minutes later I stopped crying and pulled out of the hug.

"Are you OK now, Samantha?" Mummy asked me.

I nodded. "What happened, when I couldn't breathe properly?"

Mummy stroked my cheek gently. "You had something called a panic attack," she explained. "When you get too upset or scared, sometimes your body can't cope anymore, and it does that."

"OK," I said. "What do I do when I have one?"

"Well, if you can, come and find me," said Mummy. "If you can't, try to just take deep breaths to slow your breathing down, which will stop it."

I nodded. "OK."

"Good girl," said Mummy, kissing my forehead. "Do you want to come downstairs or stay up here?"

"Is Daddy downstairs?" I asked nervously.

"Yes, he is," she said.

"Can I stay up here then?" I asked, my eyes full of fear.

"Of course you can," Mummy said. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

I nodded. "Yes please, Mummy."

Mummy smiled at me. "OK. What do you want to do?"

"Can you sing to me?" I asked. Whenever I was upset, or actually every night before I went to sleep, Mummy would sing my favourite song to me: 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight?' from 'The Lion King'.

"OK," said Mummy. I got off the bed and crawled onto her lap, wrapping my arms around her, Simba on my lap. Mummy hugged me back and began to hum the introduction as she stroked my hair, and then she went into the first verse.

_There's a calm surrender to the rush of day_  
_When the heat of a rolling wind can be turned away_  
_An enchanted moment, and it sees me through_  
_It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you_

I smiled, Mummy's voice making me feel calm, taking all of my worries away. I loved this song as well, it was so lovely and calming, and I could always just forget everything and just listen to the song, especially with Mummy's beautiful voice.

_And can you feel the love tonight_  
_It is where we are_  
_It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer_  
_That we got this far_  
_And can you feel the love tonight_  
_How it's laid to rest_  
_It's enough to make kings and vagabonds_  
_Believe the very best_

I smiled as Mummy finished the first chorus, and began to hum the introduction again, her soft fingers still stroking my long blonde hair, before she went into the second verse.

_There's a time for everyone if they only learn_  
_That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn_  
_There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors_  
_When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours_

As Mummy finished the second verse I drew in a breath and looked up at her, before we both sung the second chorus together, our eyes locked.

_And can you feel the love tonight_  
_It is where we are_  
_It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer_  
_That we got this far_  
_And can you feel the love tonight_  
_How it's laid to rest_  
_It's enough to make kings and vagabonds_  
_Believe the very best_

Just before the final two lines I noticed that Mummy closed her mouth, like she was going to stop singing. I drew in another breath and sang the last two lines myself.

__It's enough to make kings and vagabonds_  
_Believe the very best__

As I got to the end of the last line I held on the note on the word 'best', before I broke off.

"Your voice is lovely, Samantha," said Mummy, smiling at me.

"Is it?" I asked. I went to nursery, and when we did singing most people didn't do it very well, but their parents always said their voices sounded nice.

"I wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true," said Mummy, kissing the top of my head. "If I told you it was nice and it wasn't, then when you sang to other people they might say it was horrible, and you'd get upset, so I wouldn't do that, but it is. It's really lovely."

I smiled. "Yours is lovely as well."

Mummy smiled. "Thank you, Samantha," she said, hugging me close.

* * *

A few minutes later I pulled out of the hug. "I'm hungry," I said.

"What do you want?" Mummy asked me.

I thought for a moment. "Could I have a ham sandwich please?" I asked. "And some orange juice?"

"Of course you can, Samantha," said Mummy, standing up. "I'll be back in a minute, OK?"

"OK," I said, and then sat on the bed to wait.

* * *

Michelle (Samantha's mum) POV

I closed the door behind me and then went downstairs into the kitchen to get Samantha's sandwich and orange juice.

"What are you doing?" asked Howard (Samantha's dad), coming into the kitchen.

"I'm making Samantha some lunch," I replied, going to the fridge and getting out the butter and ham and then going to the bread bin and getting out some bread, not looking at him.

"Why doesn't she come down?" Howard asked.

I stopped what I was doing and turned to face him. "She's terrified of you," I explained. "You smashed her into the cooker and made her stay in hospital for a week, she's not going to want to just come down and eat lunch with you around is she?"

"I did it for a reason!" Howard shouted.

"Which was?!" I asked in disbelief.

"She spilt her juice on the carpet," said Howard.

"By accident!" I exclaimed. "She's three years old for fuck's sake!"

At this, Howard slapped me across the face.

"You do NOT swear at me!" he yelled. "Understood?"

I nodded. "Yes Howard."

"Good," he replied. "Now go and give Samantha her lunch, I'm going out."

With that he left the house and I stood there, shaking, before my knees buckled and I collapsed to the floor.

* * *

Samantha (Normal) POV

I heard the front door slam downstairs, and then everything fell silent. Daddy must have gone out. I cautiously opened my bedroom door, before I padded downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Mummy, have you got my..." I trailed off as I saw Mummy on the floor.

Mummy looked up as she heard me. "Samantha, I'm just getting your lunch, it won't take a minute," she said. "Go and sit at the table."

I saw the tears that were rolling down Mummy's cheeks, and so instead of going to sit at the table I ran over and gave her a hug, wrapping my arms around her.

"Oh Samantha," Mummy said to me, hugging me close. "Why do you keep looking after me? It should be the other way round!"

"Because you're sad, Mummy," I said, wiping one of her tears away.

"I should be able to look after myself though!" said Mummy.

"I want to help though," I said. "I want to make you happy."

"Thank you, Samantha," said Mummy, pulling me into a hug.

We then just sat on the floor for a few minutes, hugging each other close, dreading Daddy coming back...

**A/N Yes, I know it's a cliffhanger, but I didn't know what else to write and I wanted to get this up tonight. Please read and review! :-D**


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